Your Abuser’s Trauma is No Excuse

Okay, so your abuser had a traumatic childhood. Something life-changing, perhaps horrifying, happened to them. The stuff nightmares are made of. It was out of their control.

Or maybe they were, for example, raised by a detached, materialistic father and callous, dismissive mother, so they never felt seen or loved, developed coping skills, learned empathy or selflessness based on the example at home. It was out of their control.

But in what way is that your responsibility to shoulder?

How is that an issue you, solely, must babysit and counter and resolve?

When did that become a reason for you to make all compensations, sacrifices, allowances?

Why does it mean you can be their punching bag—physically, figuratively, emotionally?

No amount of patience or love or pity or exception or sadness for them, on your part, can heal what is broken.

You cannot, will not fix their abusive qualities.

And guess what? Their abusive behavior is not out of their control.

They could choose to recognize that adulthood, real adulthood, means facing and understanding your past, accepting responsibility, doing the internal work that repairs and renews, seeking help and healing techniques, because that’s what mature people who care about themselves — and their affect on others — do.

But it’s not going to happen unless they check in, unless they want a better life and choose to manifest it by their own actions and effort.

Not everyone is capable of that. Some will long choose victim mentality, and continue the manipulative and hurtful functioning that serves them in the now, with no regard to anyone else.

Why do you deserve to be on the receiving end of that?

It’s easy.

You actually don’t.