How to Talk Yourself Through Loneliness After Leaving Abuse

It’s not easy being single.

It’s particularly tough being single after an abusive marriage or relationship, wherein you were denied the basic wants and needs of love, warmth, and respect.

It’s simple — and absolutely understandable — to desire what we’ve lacked, and crave what we’ve never had when we are learning that, after all, it’s what any human deserves.

How simple to feel so lonely.

How simple to assume—after all we were told and taught day after day, and possibly for years—that there is something wrong with us.

How simple to rush into a new relationship which makes us feel acknowledged, adored, and spoiled. The attention! The excitement! The lust! The emotional connection we’ve never felt before!

How simple to convince ourselves that someone, anyone, is better than being left alone with our hurts, our memories, and our trauma…

But this isn’t the real truth, Sister Survivors, and here’s what to remember as we push ourselves through the loneliness:

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  1. We must learn how to be single and strong on our own. Independent. Able to think and act for ourselves. How else can we separate the idea of needing to be saved by the first person who comes along—since chances are highly likely that person is NOT who’s best for us—from saving ourselves?
  2. It’s only by reviewing our hurts and traumas in protective solitude, with time and distance, that we learn how to identify abusive patterns and behavior, set boundaries, and move forward into better, healthy connections and relationships.
  3. It is better to be single and alone than still with your abuser, or to find yourself (again) in a relationship with the wrong person who doesn’t understand your worth.
  4. Solitude is important for mental health in general, even without the added need to heal from abuse.
  5. There are women who haven’t been able to leave their abusive situation yet, and they would give anything, everything, to be where you are right now. Let that guide you.

Spend time on you and your healing. Put your soul first. Don’t rush into dating, let alone a serious, committed relationship.

Figure out who you are. Study. Rediscover your hobbies and passions. Attack your anxieties. Work toward a clear mind and a calm hart.

There will still be loneliness, friend, but in the long run it won’t matter since what you’ll also have is peace, strength, and self-empowerment.

“You’ve got this.”


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