What Kind of Father Abuses His Wife?

It is more common than not that a woman who successfully left her abuser will still have to share custody of her kids with him. Their father. I repeat, her abuser.

Why?

fatherFor one, the abuser is often gifted with an ability to present as upstanding and responsible, especially for a court audience, especially when given enough time to polish his facade, thereby ensuring continued participation in his kids’ life (and leverage over his former victim, who he will now use the kids to control). And two, our US courts system enables the whole thing by closing its eyes to any abuse and behavior that doesn’t provide hard, physical evidence. A father has rights, and kids need their father. So they say.

Did you ever hear of the things a woman endured with her abuser, usually more and worse than physical, and wonder how she can send her kids to him?

She doesn’t have any choice if she is legally obligated by the divorce decree and custody plan. (Worth noting, said decree probably resulted from an exorbitant amount of misinformation and manipulation she couldn’t prevent.) Think just a moment about how difficult it would be to be forced to release your child into the care of someone who’d made your own life hell on earth.

She has to hope against hope her kids won’t receive the same treatment. That their psyches won’t wind up with the same amount of damage.

If she’s lucky, her children, her heart, will be okay in the long run because, while their dad is distant, irresponsible, neglectful, selfish, and apathetic, he’s not the same kind of malignant force who tries to destroy his children the way he did her. If she’s lucky.

Comments

8 comments on “What Kind of Father Abuses His Wife?”
  1. winknbees says:

    Exactly! Then, when the kids are home, she spends half the time undoing the damage he did at his place… saying things like, “at my house we do this… ” over and over again… two sets of rules for two sets of houses… or in my case, the only rules.

    1. Janna says:

      You got it. One of the many ongoing battles when “co-parenting” with your former abuser. 😦

  2. winknbees says:

    Yeah, frustrating, but at least the kids will grow up.

    1. Janna says:

      Frustrating is an understatement for anyone living in this situation. And true, the kids will eventually become adults, but then the question becomes, How much irreparable damage might they carry with them into adulthood?

      1. winknbees says:

        Yes. True. Prayers and faith are what get me through. We have to work twice (or more) as hard for the same result if we had a partner who worked with us rather than against.

      2. Janna says:

        Same here.

        I think that’s what weighs heaviest for me. It’s the working so hard to counterbalance everything from the other side, and doing it all by myself.

      3. Janna says:

        Do you follow my Facebook page? I’d love for you to visit Breaking the Silence for Women, if not.

      4. winknbees says:

        I haven’t looked for it. I’ll check it out

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