| Survivor Snapshot | Before It Gets Better

“I got out of bed this morning.
Sure, it’s an every day mundane task for most, but these days it’s quite an accomplishment for me when I find that most days every part of my soul would rather lay there in that bed until the pain passes.
20180430_202225_0001I’m almost 6 months out now, but why does no one tell you that it gets worse, so much worse, before it gets better? I won’t say I’m free, because the voices of my past still grip tightly. They pull on me like the strings of a marionette, still in control of most every move I make.
I once read that ending a relationship with a narcissistic abuser is like waking up from a coma. I have to relearn everything because so much of my life surrounded around my narcissistic abuser. I feared every move and wondered what would set him off next. I wanted to please him, wanted to NOT make him mad. Almost everything I did was contingent on how it would affect him and in turn affect me and the kids.
I’m learning to think for myself. Learning to make decisions that don’t involve my abuser.
I’m learning to live without being in a state of constant fear that has consumed most every moment of the past 15 years of my marriage.
There is a quote from The Scarlet Letter that states, ‘She had not known the weight until she felt the freedom.’ Since ending it, I’ve not read a more true statement as it pertains to my life at this exact moment. The longer I’m in a more ‘normal’ environment, the more I’m seeing how devastating my life actually was.
I wasn’t truly living…
I was getting by,
pretending,
forgiving,
forgetting,
SURVIVING,
and simply pushing it all down to somehow make myself believe everything was okay.
I have a long ways to go, but I want to believe it will get better. I want to believe I’ll eventually heal and be normal again…whatever my new normal even is anymore. I want to believe his voice will no longer be at the forefront of my mind some day.
But until that day, I can’t say I’m completely free from him. Physically? Yes. Emotionally? I’m still a prisoner.”
| Broken Betty |
Want to share your own Survivor Snapshot? Submit a photo, along with your story and a signature handle, by inbox or email to jannawrites AT gmail. Approved Snapshots will be published at Breaking the Silence for Women on Facebook and here on womandetermined.com.

Tell me your thoughts:

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s